reasons to be cheerful

I WOKE UP THIS MORNING........AND NO MATTER WHAT GETS THROWN AT ME.....I CAN TAKE IT......I AM MIGHTY........

monday, monday

ok just a few more dozen books to pack and carry up the stairs and i am ready.......i hope to sign the lease next monday or tuesday so i can get in the place and start cleaning and getting my stuff there.   most of the stuff i can move myself i just need help with the bigger pieces, which consist of my bed and 2 dressers, another twin bed. 6 large bookcases...an antique closet. a few more smaller book cases, my glass kitchen table and 4 chairs....5 curio cabinets, and 2 other small dressers, and some tv's that is it for the big stuff.....any helpers out there, i just need help on the joisy side, i have help when i get to pa, i plan on moving by the second week in jan.....and it has to be during the week.......i am looking for elf helpers......please god send them.  i need to paint the living room, it has the most fab wall paper, from the year of the flood.....that should be nice and easy to take down.....what color do you think i should paint it....and just remember my living room is MY STUDIO, there is another smaller room for a sofa and tv . sit in......and besides i want to live in the studio.....the upstairs bathroom has a claw tub, and i can't wait to take a nice long bath in it.....i just have to fin out about a washer and dryer....i hope the hookup is in the basement......i am so looking forward to moving up there and i hope it all goes well.....i found some kool people to hang with....some are mighty......i like working at the market.....i am starting to develop a clientele......i have to do some advertising soon.......and i need a sign for out side my booth.......i am staying mellow today, because i choose too.  i gave myself my own birthday present this year......the little booth at sugarman's....i always wanted my own store......and for christmas i am going to give myself a new home and new life, and with love and hope a new man.....who is mighty.......so to all i wish for all the things that i wish for me.......and not a one is to be found under the tree.......

thursday already

so i think i just might have got the cranky, bitchiness out of me......but one can never be to sure....i am doing the best i can at all levels in my life.....i can't give more than i have to give.....and i am waiting for the blood transfusion, from all the blood they have sucked out of me.....NO MORE......i can only be repsonible for the choices i make.....and sometimes i make the wrong choice and that my dears is called experiance.......i don't live in a cocoon, i was not handed everything on a silver platter(although being the royalty that i am one would think,no)....i am not buying in to any of your bullshit anymore.....and YES TO SOME PEOPLE IT IS ALL ABOUT THE MONEY......NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY....IT IS HOW YOU ACT...THE LOAVES OF BREAD ARE FALLING OUT OF YOUR ARMS AS YOU CRY.

if my parents were still alive, i would not be in the need that i am, so while yours are still alive, stop sucking them dry....you all talked about me, but you should all take a good long hard look in the mirror......i want to name names , but i will be not.. i said i wouldn't be a bitch, and that would be impossible for me to be since i never was one in the first place.......
you know what the best gift i got yesterday, was someone who's judgement i trust, told me it's not me.....it's them......because they have been so blessed all their lives(and don't know it) that they never had to live hand to mouth, week by week, or every do with out.....and yet they still cry.......let me put this out there too, if it weren't for my sister and her husband you and your husband would be starving too.....so cut the better than thou crap........everybody made their bed, now lie in it, and me the crazy one, have the most comfortable bed.....

i do blame you for taking my kids away from me as if you can parent them better, they were grown when they left......i already parented them for 18 years.....i did my job,  and at least i never gave my 4 year old sleeping pills to go to sleep at night and never left my kids in front of video games for days on end.

and by the way children shouldn't be depending on their parents forever, there comes a time in life when the apron strings need to come off, but that is something you wouldn;t know about is it....

i am sorry for the way things turned out with my children as i have told them all along their home is in my heart and where ever i am they have a home and a heart to come too......but i can't make you or force you......i do want you to know that you both broke my heart.........but that has never stopped me from loving you one bit......i sorry i wasn't the mother you wanted, but i was the best mother i could be......i will continue to do my best, what is best for me......i have not done that in so long, it feels new......the real problem is that you people don't know how to mind your business and you all just love to stick your noses where they don't belong........i can't wait to be out of here........and sorry if you all thought, i was going to stick around so i can be stepped on even more.......i am nobody's doormat........if i can help you my children i can will in any way i can.....but just remember the fairy dust ran out....................

5:30

ok someone tell me why i get up at 5;30 every morning, whether i have something to do or not, and unless i am in pa, i really have no reason to be up this early.......the cats even woke up......it is pitch black, not a sound.......i have been without tv for 2 weeks now.....and i have to tell you it is a wonderful thing.....i would recommend everyone turning it off for a while.....

ok i am still waiting for my christmas cash, please santa, just a few more hundred so i can move.......PLEASE and THANK YOU.......

i am packing up the rest of the stuff in my bedroom today......so it will all be ready to go......ahhhhhhhhhhh the books are a whole other story, but i do carry up a bag or 2 everytime i go downstairs.....it's the only way they are going to come up......i packed a 3 story house all by myself. man does my back ache.....but i still can't wait to leave here, the time has come to go in so many ways....

one thing that is for sure is 5:30 sure is dark and lonely.

merry christmas to all

ok, i never had an annual christmas letter card in my life, you know the one's that people that you really don't give a shit about, tell you about all the shit you don't want to here about, cuz really who could care any fucking less...so here goes my first try at it.......if i did not ring your bell, spread joy in life, bring green holly and mirth, made you laugh, gave you a kiss or a hug when you needed it most, laughed and danced with you, shared a ride, gave a ride, been there when i could.....added sparkled to your day.....you gave me or i gave you....and all the goodness you are supposed to do for no other reason then that's how you roll......this year it was and is all i had to give.....for those of you that have enjoyed my gift of life to you .....you are very welcome all others can get in line and you know what they can do......i never did like to wait for the 25th of dec. for christmas and like alice i will celebrate the unchristmases in my life......there are alot more......now santa let me tell you just how good i was this year i can play the part of mary the virgin and not have guilt.....i tried my hardest not to loss my temper to much. and only told 3 people to go fuck themselves that i really meant it, too bad they still don't get it. i have to self preserve......i did not lie, cheat or steal,i did not take anything that did not belong to me. i have done the very best that i could, and yes santa there were days that my best sucked, and yet i still got up and carried on the best i could.....now i hope you liked it and thought i was doing good.....cuz you got some pretty nasty elves down by me and please send therapy for them.....are they the misfit eleves.....anyway i have no time for them, back to how good i was.....i did not hurt anyone, i opened my home to strangers, i helped my friends and family when i could, i love my country.....i gave to charities.....i went out and had the best time where ever i was....and i only had to pull out my badge once this hold year.....we were not leaving without the money.....no way.....i meet great people who like me just cuz i am me and no other reason, and they didn't even want something from me.......most of those that i love are in good health and i pray for all others, and yes people i pray, to a god that i have loved since i was 8 and he is my god and you can share him too, he is kind and nice and tells me to love and accept above all things......but i don't celebrate his fake birthday, i can't and won't do it no more........i want to feel the joy of his life everyday in mine....and people read history, it was not possible for them to be in bethlamhem at that time.....THE TAXES WEREN'T DO that's all i am saying....so if you didn't find me merry all year, don't expect a miricle and find me merry now.....you are either with me all the time or none of the time........SO A MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL WHO KNOW MERRY AND BRIGHT........

a public service accounment

i didn't want to have to do this, but i have no other choice right now, i have sold everything that i have that had value. i have to be out of my house by the 10th of jan.and i am $800 short of the $4000 that i need to move.......so if anyone was getting me a gift this year cash would really help...and if i wasn't on the list could you put me on. i was a good girl. i'm serious.

today

ok i am going to be nice today and not even let the toxic people get to me today.....cuz i am going to imagine that the world that i live in is a beautiful place, were love and abundance overflow......and their are no judges present they all went away on permanment vacation...looking out of their glass houses......i miss my friends, who love me for me, and they actually like me, imagine that family....oh i was going to be nice....is a mother ever allowed to say no to her children, if i didn't produce the benz on the 17th birthday, considered child abuse.....what do you when your children disrespect you, moveout of your home at 16, cuz i was not mother enough....but call you ever 5 minutes......and it is my fault, and now my problem that i have to solve.....i raised my children so different than i was raised maybe that is the problem.....maybe a few beatings were in order.....please tell me how to handle this generation of entitlement....i sure know how my mother would have handled it. and how come mother's are not supposed to have hurt feelings......when the both of them broke my heart and continue to break it daily, cuz nothing is ever enough.....and there are days i can hardly take care of me......and yes my ever loving understanding family.....sorry that i am not good enough for any of you either....i am just about to tell you all where you can go.....i can't wait to get out of here....it can't come soon enough......i am going far away from you all in mind, body and spirit......and 200 miles.......my friends are welcome anytime......relatives please make an appoitment......and childen i am telling you this now if you want to see me you will have to come and visit me, cuz once i leave this state.......i don't ever want to come back......this was the worse 7 years of my life and the biggest mistake i ever made......live and learn.....and now i am going to live the rest of my life for me.....and for those of you who don't like it , let's see that would be your problem......i hate what what i allowed you all to do to me.....here's a flash i am not allowing it anymore.........

thank god it is thursday

just in case i have not forgotton, iam still being creative, fixing up my ever growin booth at sugarman's 2500 business 6 in archbald pa....now if one of my f.u.c.k.s showed up.....why i'd be dancing in the streets......and once again if any of you have anything that you want to throw away or give away(yes i am starting to beg) i would be more then happy to take it off your hands and the plus would be you get to see me for awhile and have a good time......i need a good friend to call me cuz i am going through some tough times with my kids...i can't put it all in print...so i am asking if anyone has time to do lunch or dinner next week and give me a therapy session i would love it.....i make house calls....so many changes.....and i wonder why the people that i love the moost can't be happy either with or for me...and why do i always seem to fall short of their mark....if the toxic people would just butt out and shut their fucking mouths about what they think of me and the way i choose to live my life...i know what you all think of me....and fuck ya really....you should only know what i think of you.....but then again i never send my children to the phoney catholic chuch, so i must have missed the only four books worth reading in the bible....all i got to say is you are all about being hippocrits(sneer) it is all youcould be....and may i be the first to tell you all to stop watching reality tv, if you too stupid to know that it is not reality...instead of watching it try living it......and once again my precious loving children....let me let you in on a clue, if i am not happy and can't take care of me.....how do you expect me to take care of,,,,,i am sorry you don't like the choices that i made, i am not pleased with some that you made...but that is life.......and to my sister, niece and nephew i am sorry that i have not lived up to your expectations of me FUCKING NUT,,,,cuz in the dark of the night when there is only me and my god....guess what i don't give a shit what you think about me......here is a reality for you i will do what i want to do cuz it is my life.......and that is the only one i have to make happy is me, and if you don;t take care of youself, you are of no use to me........i didn't want or force my children in your home and know that is something you all have to deal with,,,,,my children are welcome in any home that i have, and if that can't deal or don't want too...it is the best they can do.....maybe they need to take care of themselves , since i have been doing such a fucked up job since the day they were born.....i have done nothing but abuse deprieved AND depraved.....i did nothing and gave nothing....here is a novel idea go ask your father.....ask who ever you can to make it happen just like i did for the 2 of you for the past 19 years,,,,cuz whether i earned the money or begged , borrowed and stole for you.....it was never enough....MAYBE JUST MAYBE I DID TOO MUCH AND TURNED YOU INTO THE GENERATION OF ENTITLEMENT.....let me tell you something that my father told me when i was about 8.......THE WORLD DOES NOT OWE YOU A FAVOR.....get it....you wanted to be big shots and away from me so be i.....just stop excepting me to drop my life for yours, cuz you need something.......here is another novel idea mychildren try figuring it out for yourselves....why you would even call me s beyond me since i am useless asshole who only adds aggravation to you life.....and wh0 can't help you.....here;s a hint stop calling me and find someone else to drop through your hoops....i watched my sister die a horrible death and i watch another who is stroked out and if you think you are going to rob me of what i have left to my life.....you are all mistaken.....i have nothing more.....i just have me.....and i will never ever allow anyone of you to rob it from me.....i wish you all the happiness that you can stand and my every wish and dream you have come true, i wish nothing but the best for all of you.....and i mean it with all my heart......now i have a favor to ask, just like i made my bed and i have to lie in it so did all of you.......i like lying in my bed......so please leave me alone......and focus on your lives.....i didn't ask for this......but i will not allow any of you to rob me of anything that i want for me.....call me selfish i don't care.....i am taking care of number one and that is me, not my children, my relatives or anybody else....you all forget that you come into this world naked and alone and you leave the same way......may the god of your understanding bless every step you take.....he blesses me every day, every single day even the not so good days........

i just want to be

why is it impossible for me to live the life i want to live......cuz all you fuckers have tried to suck the life blood out of me for the last 6 years and counting....i i stopped it and none of you like it cuz i ain;t living the life you choose for yourselves or for me.....now i am going to say this one less time to all my relatives who think you are helping me, the eyerollers, the negative people, you who have never went past your doorstep....and to my beautiful daughters, who i gave everything i had and could give.....sorry to say but the rest of my life is mine.....you all made your choices,,,,,now you have to live with them.....the both of you decided that i was not good enough for you, you both moved out, your choice, i wasn't even made part of the discussion....i came home one day and you were both gone....did you even once think about how i felt....a mother is supposed to set her children free....it's called growing up.....and it is so funny that i never get a call asking are you ok mom, is there anything i can do for you....i only get the call when you need something or money....and how i am supposed to live by your rules. I AM FUCKING TIRED OF JUMPING THROUGH HOOPS FOR YOU GIRLS....I HAVE DONE THE VERY BEST WITH WHAT I HAD FOR THE BOTH OF, AND IT WASN'T ENOUGH......i gave you both everything i had, and still it wasn;t good enough.....i am not sorry, nor will i ever be.......i did what i was capable of doing,,,,,if you want more, guess what your gonna have to get it for yourselves....i am barely able to live myself and what i got left in me....will not be robbed by my children or my family..I WILL NOT ALLOW IT....i want you all to back off , get off my case, leave me the fuck alone, and stop trying to run my life.....the worse thing i ever did was move near my family in nj......that wAS my mistake......moving to toxic nj, near people who don't know the meaning of life, cuz you are all to caught up in the MONEY, and guess what assholes, you will never be as rich as i am as you sit and count your money....god bless you for living suh safe , boring lives...i wish much happiness...the truth is i feel sorry for you all that you have no sense of adventure in you......my children have broke myheart in a million pieces,,,,,but i am supposed to say its alright, and to those of you who made it all happen all i want to tell you is karma is a bitch.....

and the answer is

because i have to really get away from the toxic people.......really, i have to ask a question and if anybody out there is reading this please really answer me......i am losing my home in jan. i found a place to work on the weekends and when i am up there , i will without a doubt find another job, and have sources of income.....remember all the skills i have, that i wasn't using...now i can live in my brother's home....i have lived on my own since i was 20,,,,,and i was told today me a grown woman with children that i should not try to find my own apartment and live with my brother and his wife so i can say money...WHY IS MONEY ALWAYS YOUR BOTTOM LINE , DARLENE......please fucking lighten up and live and if you can't live, please leave mine alone.....reallly what am i supposed to be saving for....a fucking rainy day....i want you and all all the rest of you naysayers and the the most negtive people around....back off......i am entitled to the life i make.....not to you or anyone esle ,,,,now for the last fucking time people......back off and leave me alone........i like my life.......i am not too crazy about yours.......and too my children i do the best i can for you every day if it is not good enough or enough of anything.....please by all means go and figure it out for yourselves, since i am such an asshole.....i am sure that if the both of you put your heads together you can figure it out.......the both of you have sucked the life blood out of me for the last time......you both made your choices.....now live with them......