ADDICTION

THIS IS THE TOPIC THAT NO ONE EVER WANTS TO TALK ABOUT, AND IF YOU ARE WONDERING WHY I AM YELLING I AM NOT I AM SCREAMING OUT FOR HELP..I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD BE HERE AGAIN BUT I AM, AND IT IS WHAT IS BRINGING ME DOWN AND IT IS WHAT BROUGHT ME TO THE PLACE I AM NOW.....I WAS SOBER FOR OVER 18 YEARS, RAISED AND THEN I STARTED TO SMOKE POT AGAIN,NOT JUST A LITTLE PUFF, BUT 24/7 ONLY AS A GOOD COULD.....THEN I STARTED TO GO OUT AGAIN AND AT FIRST I WAS REALLY GOOD I KEPT MYSELF AWAY FROM THE DRINK...LIKE THEY SAY WHEN YOU HANG OUT WITH DOGS YOU WAKE UP FLEAS....FIRST IT WAS JUST A LITTLE WINE THEN IT WAS A LITTLE BEER, TO THE PROGRESSION STARTS AND YOU START CARING AROUND FLASKS OF VODKA. AND OH NO, DON'T THINK OF EVEN HAVING SURGURY CUZ THEN YOU GET ALL FUCKED UP ON THE PAIN PILLS.....AND THEN YOU HAVE BIPOLAR ONTOP OF THAT AND THEY GAVE YOU ALL KINDS OF PILLS..BUT IN DEFENSE OF THE MEDICAL PROFESSION I DO HAVE TO SAY I CAN FEEL AND TELL THE DIFFERENCE WHEN I AM ON MY MEDICATION AND WHEN I AM NOT. I NEVER WANTED TO BELIEVE IT, I NEVER WANTED EITHER ONE OF THESE DISEASES, BUT I GOT THEM BOTH.
AND RIGHT NOW THEY BOTH ARE KILLING ME, THE OTHER THING I NEVER WANTED TO BELIEVE, HOW DO THEY SAY IT A DRY DRUNK....MY ILLNESS HAS COST ME DEARLY, I LOST MY HOUSE, BECAUSE THE ADDICT IN ME WANTS MORE AND MORE.......I MORTGAGED MY HOUSE TO THE HILT...BOUGHT EVERYTHING IN SIGHT AND THAT WAS WHEN I WAS USING, BUT THE ADDICT NEVER LEFT....I LOST THE 2 MOST PRECIOUS PEOPLE IN MY LIFE MY 2 BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTERS.....WHEN ONE WENT TO COLLEGE, AND THE OTHER WENT TO LIVE WITH ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER....THEY ARE THE ONE GOOD THING THAT I HAVE DONE WELL DESPITE EVERYTHING THEY TURNED OUT ALL RIGHT...I AM AMAZED THAT I RAISED SUCH BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN, IT'S LIKE HOW CAN THESE BE MY KIDS, THEY ARE SO WONDERFUL AND GOOD AND WE ARE ON GOOD TERMS, BUT I HOPE SOME DAY THAT WE WILL BE TOGETHER AGAIN AS A FAMILY.....I MISS AND LOVE YOU....

SO WHERE AM I NOW, WELL AFTER 2'5 YEARS OF BEING WAITING TO BE THROWN OUT OF MY HOME, I JUST HAD IT ONE DAY AND WENT TO STAY WITH MY BROTHER, I FOUND A MARKET TO SELL STUFF IN.....AND IN TRUE ADDICT SPIRIT MOVED HERE WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT, I TOOK THE FIRST CRAPPY OVERPRICED PLACE TO LIVE......I HAVE NO MONEY, LIMITED INCOME, MY STUFF IS STILL IN 4 DIFFERENT PLACES.....AND ALL I DID WAS BRING MY SHIT TO ANOTHER STATE....THAT'S WHAT I DID. AND I HATE IT HERE. THE GOOD NEWS IS I ONLY HAVE A 6 MONTH LEASE ON THIS HOUSE. I ALREADY PAID ONE MONTH AND HE HAS A MONTH SECURITY AND THE LAST MONTH'S RENT AND PRAY TO GOD TO SEE ME THROUGH, I AM GOING BACK TO THE ROOMS I WAS 12 STEPPED.....AND GOD I NEED TO BE. AND FLOYD THE CRAZY I KNOW I SHOULD BE ALL PISSED AT YOU, BUT I AM NOT LIKE THAT GUY JOEY WHO 25 YEARS AGO, TOLD ME I WAS AN ALCHOLIC...YOU JUST MIGHT HAVE SAVED MY LIFE FOR THE SECOND TIME, SO FOR THAT I THANK YOU..YOU KNOW I AM ONE OF THOSE SO IN YOUR HEAD PEOPLE, AND I KEEP SAYING TO MYSELF WHY I AM HERE.....I NOW KNOW WHY......I AM HERE TO GET SOBER AGAIN......OR AT LEAST THAT IS WHAT I AM TELLING MYSELF......BEAUSE I HAVE TO BE ALRIGHT FOR ME I AM A HAPPY FUN PERSON, AND THE DRUGS ARE MAKING ME NOT FUN ANYMORE, AND I JUST ACCEPTED THAT TODAY.....ONCE AGAIN THANK YOU CRAZY MAN.....