it's friday

nature made a christo

so here i am in pa.....at least i am not digging myself out of the snow in nj.....i am feeling good these days.....and that's a wow......i am so glad that i left "that house" it was truly a noose around my neck......i could still be there living rent free, but my mind was not free, and i would rather pay for peace of mind....it is a much better investment......and i have to believe that the money will come. a job will come, i can create a job.....the goal i have for today is to put all the clothes away that i moved yesterday and get rid of everything that doesn't fit......did i tell all my f.u.c.k's that i lost 35 pounds since the last time any of your saw me......once again i will say thank god for saftey pins.....i am beginning to like it here more and more...the problem in the beginning for me was i left cuz i couldn't take the toxic people around me......and in true addict style the first person who told me they were going to be my friend and have my back, and wanted to know why just a handshake wasn't good enough for most people anymore.....let me tell you why, cuz you shook my hand and stabbed me in the back with the other, and dear people like you i don;t need in my life and i don't care that, that is how you treat everyone.....YOU WON'T TREAT ME LIKE THAT......I WILL NOT ALLOW IT....i am not a little girl, i am not like the girls around here, that think your god.........I AM A WOMAN, AND AGE HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT ......my 19 year old daughter is more of a women then some women i have meet since i am up here.....i guess the thing is that they all feel they need a man......no badly how they get treated.......

and one of the reasons i can't allow it is that i have been trying to make peace with myself and why i always find toxic people, one is i am toxic....and i am working on it......my father was a wonderful man, i have 4 brothers who are wonderful men , fathers and husbands.....and i always wondered why oh why can't i find a man like them......cuz i keep finding my mother.....i love my mother with all my heart, but she could be the greatest person in the world or your worst nightmare...and someone told me that unless i work through my issues with my mother, i will contiune to find men just like her......and one of the things that i realized is i am so much like her.....we have the same name, the same sun sign, we were both in the year of the rooster.....we are both addicts, we are both bipolar.....and i hate that i got all my dis-eases from her......they are heritary.....she didn't mean it......but i hated her for it.......i want neither one of these dis-eases, yet i am stuck with both of them......the difference is i can do something about them today.....i will never be cured, but i can learn to live with them one day at a time......i have no more time to fool myself about who and what i am....so instead of dying a little bit more everyday, i decided to live......i love life and want to live my life my way to the fullest......and just to let you all know if you don't have god, get one...........